Are you a true catholic?

There have been a lot of noise lately regarding people's catholicism. How does one know that one is a true catholic? Is someone a catholic if he/she goes to Church every day? Receives communion regularly?

The Jews were often in their synagogues, but Jesus Christ pointed out that a lot of them (Pharisees and Sadducees) were not truly religious. Christ railed against the hypocrisy of those alleged holy men. The religion that Jesus Christ was preaching was that of universal love and honesty and complete absence of hypocrisy. Christ went after the hypocrites and those who were defiling the Temple by turning it into a market place. He blessed the poor, the downtrodden. He honored gentiles who had good hearts.

To help my friends determine if they are true believers in the Catholic faith or not, I have devised the following 10-question self-examination, which measures one's true catholicity, and not merely count the number of masses attended in a week, in a month, in a year.

To take the test, rank yourself according to the following point system:

5 points - strongly agree with the statement;
4 points - somewhat agree with the statement;
3 points - neither agree nor disagree with the statement;
2 points - somewhat disagree with the statement; and
1 point - strongly disagree with the statement;

41 - 50 points - Ang lelang mong panot. Hindi ka katoliko, animal.
(English translation: Your grandmother is a baldy. You are not a Catholic, you animal.)

31 - 40 points - You are a hypocrite, but not as bad as the Congressman from Idaho, Larry Craig, who had railed against homosexuality but was caught trying to pick up an undercover male federal agent in a public restroom.

21 - 30 points - You are average. A cafeteria catholic. You have situational morality. People hate you because they can't categorize you.

11 - 20 points - You are a good catholic.

10 points - You are a true catholic both in theory and in practice. Unfortunately, you do not exist.

The Self-test

(Take as much time as you need)

1. On mendacity in my dealings with fellowmen:

I am capable of hoodwinking my friends, promising again and again to pay them back the money I borrowed and then surprising them with a letter from my lawyer announcing my bankruptcy petition, which wipes out my debts to them.

1-Strongly disagree: 2-Somewhat disagree; 3-Neither agree nor disagree; 4-Somewhat agree; and 5-Strongly agree.

2. On hypocrisy and sexuality:

I am addicted to calling other people gay to hide my feelings of sexual inadequacy. I am also obsessing about the sodomy that goes on between homosexual couples in the privacy of their bedrooms. This is why I oppose same-sex marriages.

1 2 3 4 5

3. On spirituality:

I think the only way to communicate with God is by going to church frequently and receiving holy communion. I also believe that people who do not go to church as often as I do are destined for hell.

1 2 3 4 5

4. On truthfulness:

I frequently lie and even more frequently exaggerate about other people's faults to score points in discussions and debates.

1 2 3 4 5

5. On race relations:

I make fun of people of color. I am especially harsh towards blacks and Hispanics.

1 2 3 4 5

6. On materialism:

I am glowing in my praise of people I judge to be hugely successful financially and dismissive and arrogant towards those who are less successful in my view. I am a name dropper, citing often the powerful people I know.

1 2 3 4 5

7. On attitudes towards the poor and downtrodden:

I am convinced that people on welfare are lazy bums, while those who are on unemployment compensation are spoiled.

1 2 3 4 5

8. On Social Security and Medicare:

I believe that people who did not plan for their own retirement or disability are not entitled to help from the government in the form of Social Security payments in retirement or in disability.

1 2 3 4 5

9. On health insurance:

I believe that everyone in the U.S. already has health insurance, for as George Bush famously said, people can go to emergency rooms when they get sick, and they will be treated at taxpayer expense.

1 2 3 4 5

10. On Muslims:

I believe that the only good Muslims are dead Muslims. I also get a lot of satisfaction in calling people I hate "Muslim" after going through half a lifetime calling people I hate "liberal," "commie" and "lefty."

1 2 3 4 5

This study, as far as I know, is the only objective measure of one's catholicity. It is universal in applicability because the Catholic Church recognizes that the catholics of today are not just baptized catholics. The classification also includes those who are catholics by blood (heroes) and catholics in spirit (non-catholics who practice catholic virtues.)

As someone who is not particularly religious, I probably am not the most credible authority on catholicism. To all the doubters I say: Eat your heart out. If you were so smart, why did you not think of this self-test first?

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I won first place in a golf tournament without actually knowing how to play golf, courtesy of long-ball hitter Jun Teves and fellow beginner Bob Maglaya, in the second day of the golf outing of the Lasallian Boys at the Happy Valley Golf Club in Summerlin, Nevada, on the western flank of the Las Vegas valley. Gary Salcedo complained that he had been playing golf for twenty years but had never won a first-place trophy.

A trophy is a trophy, even though the honor is depreciated somewhat by the fact that it was a best-ball game and it was only for five holes. Long story. Each team had three members, and all three members hit at the best ball spot. My team leader, Jun Teves, almost always had the best ball, so all three of us hit from where his golf ball landed. It was as though we were all hitting exceptionally well ourselves and not slicing, shanking, hooking or hitting duds that dribbled a few feet in front us.

No, the game was very forgiving. And, in the case of our team, known as Team 6, very rewarding.

Had to fly to San Francisco Airport Saturday night to attend a wedding of my niece, Annabelle Lumba, to Antonio Calasanz, a San Francisco policeman. All the Lumbas were going to be in attendance, so there was no way I would miss the wedding. Drove more than 30 miles to San Jose (straight down Highway 101) to check in to my hotel room at the Radisson. San Jose is dead after 8:00 p.m. so after checking into my hotel I had to drive twelve miles to a Chinese restaurant that was still open to join my relatives for dinner.

It was a nice wedding at the San Jose cathedral in downtown San Jose and a very short walk from Fremont Hotel where most of my relatives were staying. Fremont is probably the number one hotel in San Jose, but it is also the most expensive. Though guests at the wedding got special rates, I stayed at Radisson, where I had booked a room through Priceline. It was the first time I had done anything through Priceline and I'm sure it will not be the last. Priceline is really, really cheap. My rental car, also through Priceline, was $12 per day. $12 per day, like in the 1970s.

The groom is the son of his namesake, Antonio Calasanz, who grew up with my younger brother, Amado, in Santa Ana, Manila. It's a big world, but also a small world.