Size Matters

"What does Size Matters mean?" my 10-year-old son Paul asked me and my wife one day as I drove past a billboard on Sahara Avenue in Las Vegas. The billboard ad proclaimed the advantages of checking in hotel rooms with that extra space for relaxation, for moving about and for breathing.

Neither my wife nor I wanted to touch that one, but after wife and I looked at each other and burst out laughing, wife managed to explain to our son that there's more to hug and love in bigger things. Paul obviously just saw the Size Matters in huge, bold print and did not realize he was looking at a billboard ad for a hotel business.

Recently, I started to dwell on the obvious point of the proponents of the Size Matters philosophy of life.

I watched a couple of shows at the Las Vegas Hilton and really looked forward to using the men's restroom across the hall from the Shimmer Showroom. When you go to the john, you are greeted by pictures of gorgeous ladies with their tape measures, their smiles and WOW expressions.

Whenever I could, I chose the urinal with a picture of a lady with the You the Man! expression on her face. If life was not particularly kind to me, at least that lady surely would be.

Las Vegas is preoccupied with size. I don't know if there is a statistic for the most re-engineered boobs in the country, but if there is, Las Vegas should be number one. It must intuitively be the case. Las Vegas has showgirls aplenty, and there are thousands of scantily-clad waitresses in the casinos, all of them convinced that extra pounds or ounces in just the right places do generate better tips.

There is a show that attracts decent-sized crowds to the Night Club in Las Vegas Hilton which showcases some of the more gorgeous re-engineered boobs in the valley. The leader of the pack, who happens to be a talented singer with a huge voice, Lorena Peril aka Lorena Bobitt, is the main attraction. She doesn't take off her clothes, but she clearly is the main fare, a sexy woman with clothes on.

In New Jersey, I never saw a TV ad for a product that promises to make the male member not only stronger, but larger. In Las Vegas, you can't turn on your TV without running into this ad for ExtenZe, which promises to turn ordinary men into Big Nasty Papi. It's on every network station, and cable TV too.

Unfortunately, it's not for everyone. I did my homework, and found out that a lot of men who had tried the product reported palpitations and irregular heartbeats. Some even suspected that their hearts might have been permanently damaged.

There were of course the usual glowing and pulsating testimonials.

If in fact what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, those who live here must also believe that it will stay in Vegas only if the news is good. For if one happens to be embarrassed by boobs too tiny, or a member too puny, for sure such revelations will be heard around the world - even in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Or in Peoria, Illinois.

Size Matters in all of Vegas. Caesars Palace is not just a casino-hotel. It is also a huge upscale shopping mall. It is a sports arena and Broadway. If you want to go to the movies, or go bowling, you have to go to a casino. Most bowling lanes are at least 48 lanes across, while movies are shown in huge multiplexes.

The subdivision where I live, Rhodes Ranch, sits on a 3.77 square mile man-made oasis with a perpetually-green golf course. In contrast, the town where I used to live - South Orange, New Jersey - has a land area of only 2.8 square miles.

That's very much the story in all of Las Vegas. New Jersey and Southern California are made up of small municipalities that run into each other. Las Vegas is made up of huge master-planned communities that dwarf many of the small towns in high-density states like New Jersey and counties like Los Angeles County.

The master-planned communities do not have shopping malls inside their gated communities and this arrangement may have been a mistake. Many shopping centers have sprung up near or adjacent to the communities with the hope of servicing the needs of those communities' residents. And others from other communities who may be attracted by unique offerings of shops in those shopping centers.

The result is that few of the shopping centers or strip malls have the loyalties of residents who live close by. If those same malls had been located inside the master-planned communities, the residents there could walk to the mini shopping areas and customer loyalty would be easier to develop.

All over Las Vegas, North Vegas and Henderson, there are strip malls where there is less than 50% occupancy. As more and more businesses close, the carnage continues. Shopping and strip malls are being abandoned, perhaps at a rate nearly as fast as foreclosed houses.

It is clear that the preoccupation wth size has boomeranged on the Las Vegas valley. The huge, multiple storefront complexes must now compete for a pool of occupants that is ever shrinking as the worst economy since the Great Depression continues its Pyrrhic march across the continent.

One beneficial effect of this recession might be the thinning of the population. Literally. Las Vegas has always been known for bloated bellies and a sizable number of 300 to 400 pound men and women. Now that a lot of people have been shocked into the realization that they must go out there and pound the pavement looking for a job, the trend towards ever-bigger bellies, arms and thighs may finally be reversed.

If Vegasites come out of this recession thinner, meaner and, incidentally, healthier, it will be one good lining in the storm clouds that race past Las Vegas, not raining on the valley but holding on until they reach the Arizona mountains before dumping their precious and rare commodity.